Beefcake FAIL

There are some things I like to teach myself, and some things I like to be taught.

Diet and exercise are two of the latter. As I mentioned in a previous installment of this blog, I don’t find a lot of joy in cooking my own meals. I don’t daydream about mixing ingredients into that perfect recipe, or think about what blend of herbs and spices might make something better. Spare me the ground cumin, and just give me a burrito and give it to me now. Here’s six bucks, thanks.

So yesterday, my trainer Paisley Ann Meekin made me an awesome protein shake. Right after our first weight-lifting session, she told me to meet her downstairs at the front counter where she’d have some protein goodness waiting for me.

When I began this program, I committed to eat what Paisley told me to eat, but I wasn’t convinced I would enjoy it. But what was waiting for me was right up there with a McDonalds milkshake — so good that I had to slow myself from scarfing it down like a McDonalds milkshake

“Enjoy your food and eat it slowly,” Paisley tells me.

This awesome protein shake served two purposes. First, it sent protein straight to my muscles to rebuild them after weight lifting. Two, it counted as the second of six small meals and snacks I am supposed to eat during the day.

“What in the world is in this?” I asked Paisley.

“Just get whey protein,” she said. “Mix it with something like berries or a banana.”

“No, I mean what kind is it?” I asked. “I want to know what to buy at the store.”

“There’s lots of different kinds you can get and there’s a GNC just over there,” she said, pointing in the general direction of Lloyd Center, I surmised. There are no windows at our gym.

“No, I mean what is it exactly?” I said.

“I’ll e-mail you,” she said.

I’m still in the phase of this where I want to take orders. I’m a private that needs a sergeant. I don’t want to figure things out, I want to be told what to do. If I knew how to do this on my own — or had the enthusiasm — I don’t think I’d be here now, 60 pounds overweight and feeling like I fucked my health up.

After the protein shake, I went to a store on Freemont Street called Foot Traffic to buy some new sneakers and some protein goodness. But I fucked that up too, and what I bought wasn’t so much protein shake as it was protein water. Yuck. The shoes were fine.

Maybe what I really needed was something called Weight Gain 4000, as this video explains:

(CLICK TO PLAY)

I like that video, because the guy is screaming and yelling and giving orders. I am still in a phase where I take everything literally, and want things to be very specific.

If Paisley tells me to go buy Weight Gain 4000, I’ll buy Weight Gain 4000.

And if she tells me to yell “beefcake” ….

BEEFCAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Food Journal
Breakfast: Oatmeal with blueberries and milk; small whole wheat tortilla with peanut butter.
Snack: Crappy protein water (see picture above) with banana
Lunch: Tuna salad wrap
Snack: Greek yogurt
Dinner: Grilled chicken, steamed vegetables and brown rice (same as last night but without salad)
Snack: (skipped)