I used to eat pieces of shit for breakfast … and lunch … and dinner

I looked at the time as I entered Albertsons.

7:45

Will this take 20 minutes? 30? An hour? I had no idea. My ability to grocery shop has regressed in the past several years. Pathetically.

I walked into Albertsons armed with a cursory list of items my trainer, Paisley Ann Meekin, told me to buy during our first sit-down meeting six days ago. Tomorrow morning I am at her mercy. For the next 10 weeks, I’ve promised to follow the diet she’s spelled out for me down to the last grain of ground cumin.

The first item on my list was a dozen eggs. Paisley told me to be sure to get free range chicken eggs. I wondered, is my trainer a tree huger? Is she going to demand that I drive to the grocery store in a hybrid too?

“They’re better for you,” Paisley said. “Seriously.”

A dozen Horizon Organic brand free-range chicken eggs ran me $4.69. I looked below them and noticed a regular package of eggs were $1.79. No pain, no gain, right?

Next on the list: a bag of brown rice. Easy!

Six boneless, skinless chicken breasts. No problem!

A bag of spinach and a bag of spring greens. Done!

Four cans of albacore tuna fish. Piece of cake!

Olive oil and ground cumin … ground cumin?

I’d written ground cumin down, but I didn’t know where it was, or even what it was.

This was the first of many items that would take me several minutes to find. Searching for something so unfamiliar as ground cumin underscores how lazy and inept I’ve become at preparing food for myself. I’ve been on my own for 14 years, and it’s not like going to Albertsons is visiting a foreign country, it’s just that grocery shopping for creative — and, shall we say, healthy — foods is a huge paradigm shift.

Until now, my world has revolved around the microwave. As I searched for the ground cumin I walked by the more familiar parts of the grocery store, like the soup aisle where I usually snatch 10 cans of Campbells Chunky brand soups, or the Nalley Chili. I love that shit, because all I need is a can opener, a bowl, a microwave and 3 1/2 minutes.

I usually make my way back to the deli, too, where I load up on zesty chicken wings and anything that’s already prepared, like sushi or turkey club wraps. Yes, I’m so lazy I’ve even gotten to the point where I buy pre-made sandwiches.

Paisley told me to spend two hours in the kitchen each weekend preparing for the week ahead. So I continued down this strange new shopping list.

Celery and carrots. Check.

Onions, peppers, avocado, cabbage, pickles. Check.

As I stood in front of the assorted vegetables I noticed the peppers created an appearance that rivaled the bright colors in the cookies and potato chips aisle.

I think I can get used to this.

Yogurt. Check. I’m not sure I have ever purchased yogurt under my own volition.

The last shopping item I grabbed was Ezekiel-brand bread Paisley had been just a little too enthusiastic about. Next to the ground cumin, this was the only thing I had a lot of trouble finding. I had to fetch help, and we found it next to the Hot Pockets.

“That’s strange,” a nice female worker said to me. “I wonder why it’s frozen?”

I wonder, too. There’s a lot of things about this new diet I won’t understand for a while.

As I went through the checkout line I felt a sense of pride. Usually I come through here with clam chowder, chicken wings, a few beef pot pies, microwavable lasagna, a bottle of wine or a 12-pack of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. But the items the young male checker scanned were the foods of a responsible person — foods that announce to the world “I’m healthy, and I know how to cook!”

I about spilled my carrots when the final total appeared.

$93.68.

No problem, nothing the Albertsons card can’t take care of, right?

New total: $90.28.

“You save $3.40 in bonus buy savings!”

Funny, but I think crappier food comes with bigger discounts. Damn free-range chickens!

As I left Albertsons I remembered to look at the time: 8:38. It took me 53 minutes during my first trip to the grocery store under my new diet.

This was perfect, because the Peterkort Towne Square has a Panda Express on the west end, and I had 22 minutes to get myself one last heap of chow mein, Kobari beef and sweetfire chicken to go. Mmmmm.

This oversized meal has come to epitomize my bad eating habits. When I got home and began to chow down on my chow mein, I didn’t have to worry about how hard Paisley was going to work me the next morning, or how hard it’s going to be to prepare all this new strange food.

But my last helping of Panda Express only delayed the inevitable question my trip to the grocery store still hadn’t answered.

What the fuck is ground cumin?